How to look stupid while winning

Today for your edification and learning, a series of photos aimed at showing young punters how to win sprints. These photos are of me winning C-grade last Sunday, in a race that nobody seriously contested, because everyone I race with in C-grade is a burglar protecting his or her current low grading to increase their chances of winning a feature race scheduled to take place in October. As the only honest rider South of Bass Strait, it fell to me, yet again, to claim the win nobody wanted, and the $15 first prize. I have spent the $15 on a double page ad in The Examiner, decrying my competitors for making me win.
Step 1. Pedal like mad, breathing widely, with anguished facial expressions.

Step 2. Cast satisfied grin at your opponent (even though it’s obvious from these photos that he didn’t try).

Step 3. Coast over the line, thinking you’re Usain Bolt.

Though I know most of my readers don’t race bikes on the weekend, and prefer to think of themselves as saving the world with their Gazelles, there are occasions when all of us must sprint to glory, as when teaching lessons to people who overtake us in their lycra when we are commuting, or when passing kids, or when passing women, etc. etc.. Employ these tips, and maybe you too can look as silly winning as I looked last Sunday.


  1. Luke says:

    Judging by how you’ve left the entire bunch out of sight, it looks like more of a heroic long range break than one of your son Mark’s sprints -though thanks for tips.

    • Steven says:

      Don’t tell me your own handicapper reads cycle-space? Can you tell Mark to switch his phone on some time. I’m worry about him, and the drugs.

  2. Lucy says:

    Are you sure this sprint won you a race? I only know bike racing from telly and there is usually a finish line, some banner across the street and a bit of a crowd. None of this is evident in the photos, so I am thinking you were in fact just sprinting to glory, because the other bloke in lycra happened to pass you a minute earlier?

  3. Luke says:

    I know nothing about bike racing from personal experience, being too slow and too chicken to take part (also I only found out in my forties that amateur road racing took place in the UK – see “The Escape Artist”, from which I learned otherwise). But I do see Lucy’s point. Just as Gore Vidal was too polite to ask if his first sexual contact was with a man or a woman, I refrained from asking how many people took part in this race. I am just about convinced it was more than three (I would have been last out of three).

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