Get the look: most unwanted pretender

Allow me to preface my salient point, by reminding you briefly, how road racing cyclists do not appreciate non racing cyclists, pretending they do race, in the way that they dress. I have long lobbied bicycle retailers not to sell lycra attire to anyone who is unable to  produce a current licence (that’s racing licence, you pillock).

I have on occasion wondered, though not for long, what professional racing cyclists might think of amateur racing cyclists like me, pretending we’re pros, in the way that we dress? Are you kidding! Whatever those dopers think, if they think at all, can be of no consequence whatsoever! Without pretenders like me, who spend squillions on clothing and equipment to look as though we are the champions, these paid treadmill performers would be out of a job, while you and I would all be riding around with perfectly adequate, but fittingly priced groupsets, like 105, Rival, or Centaur.

Why we do this—ape professional cyclists—aught to be obvious. We cyclists take a perverse delight in pissing everyone off. Shaved legs, coffee from tiny cups, our derrières cocked slightly skyward as we ride two abreast and make no concession at all to columns of drivers who might want to pass: screw you all, truly. My latest weapon in this life long endeavour, is my Giro d’Italia inspired, liquorice-all-sorts coloured, jersey and matching bib shorts, that I recently bought online during my extended spree at—those bitches still won’t pay me for ad space, ahhh, yet I give them these plugs. The kit you see me wearing, cost more than your wedding suit, buddy. Add to that, merino socks, leather race mitts and some designer name cap (all Rapha too), and I think you would agree, my main objective, or being irritating, is well in hand. When my non-approved old-timer “helmet”, from this bike store in Canada arrives in the mail, I hope to have the bicycling outfit equivalent of this piece of music by artists Komar and Melamid, carefully designed to mix all the musical genres of least appeal, to the statistically average, phone poll respondent.
Enjoy this segment? Then why not check out these classic looks from the vaults: Ultra violentSummer LoverFlorentine GigoloMotorcycle rebel Really Suave Guys and “grown ups” from when you were a kid, and the kind pa who might take you sailing. Hungry for more? Download my free ebook type thingy, Get The Look, to read on your iPad.


  1. Antisthenes says:

    If you like that decorative helmet, you need to make a trip to Japan (or its retail websites): see that and much like everywhere here.

  2. Steven says:


  3. Sacred Vow says:

    Would be even funnier if you had the electric bike modification for the Scrap Deluxe, so you kept up with and even passed the fastest pro riders.
    THAT would drive them NUTS!
    The electric pack is fairly hard to spot when I saw the pics too

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