Well it has been another great weekend, when cycling yet again has won over driving, and cricket, and golf, and all such things that occupy way more land they aught. On our slithers of road shoulder, redundant roads and hand-me-down trails (lord knows what we would have done, had the train lines not been abandoned!) we lonely prophets have been to market, taken the nature, and some of us have even competed in races. (3 races in 3 days for myself, and I feel blissfully foooked.)
No matter how we have ridden through, we have made those golfers, drivers, and cricketers, look hardly worth lending a womb to—aint that right, ladies? And it is for you, my warm and adorable female friend readers, that I am littering this blog post with pics of Belgian sports cyclist Tom Boonen, universally regarded as the “h-a-a-awttest” pro cyclist by the facebook group dedicated to that weighty question (although, with the exception of Cadel Evans, we’re all pretty good).
Why, just 10 minutes ago, I rode past my neighbourhood strip of cafes (hair back, linen shirt, skin-coloured balloon tires looking engorged) and as I went, I could not help but notice, half of this city’s women forgetting who they were dating. But oh how I love being objectified! I just want to be admired for something other than my personality, that I assure you, is harder to wear than Victorian corsetry. Being funny and charming… it doesn’t come natural.
I am not quite as tall as Tom Boonen. I don’t command attention as I walk into a room. Women don’t fall in love me with, at least not before they encounter my wit, and even then only if they go in for gags about guinea pigs mating with immediate kin. On a bike though, I create first impressions. And you could as well!
So to any of you who are feeling low in yourselves, overlooked in the mating game, and who may be lowering their standards to get any at all, I say, give up the golf, forget playing cricket, say “no more” to driving, and give your genes a little of what they are craving: some female attention. Bikes make you look fertile. Slow bikes in the city let people know you can afford to live within a few blocks, so must have a good job. Lycra shows off your willie. Sit up and bed bikes show off your posture. Everyone can see you buy healthy groceries, when you’ve got them strapped on your bike rack. Bike paths are natural places to get chatting to strangers. And smart people aught to be breeding.