Small wheel loonacy

Believing in small wheels seems rather like believing in anything for which there’s no proof (psychology, god, my Primrose’s headaches): it marks the believer a wee little bonkers. I know Alex Moutlon once satisfied himself that his small wheel bike required 2% less energy than an actual bike, the latter most likely a Huffy from K-mart, with 20psi in the tires and a parachute draping behind. Speaking with sobriety though, no untattooed man could swear on god’s book that small wheels have any place in Cycling Creation, spare the following 5 dispensations:
1. beneath dwarfs,
2. beneath children,
3. beneath bowler hats,
4. on bikes smuggled into your luggage, or
5. beneath Alex Moultin, who I must say looks smashing.

Beyond that, this madness must stop. You must stop extending your small wheel bike each time you breed. There’s actually a law against aborting them after they’re born. And please stop riding uphill. Sooner or later you will have to ride down, and have you ever roller skated ahead of a truck? And this business of trying to look like a cyclist with one of these things—why not just blow raspberries, twisting the right grip, and pretend as well that you’re riding a Harley? You’re embarrassing us, even those of us who may be quite drunk as we grapple with problems that some may find trifling.

"My small wheel bike changed my life [into one great long info-commercial]."

Gatherings, races, mug lairing for photos as though you’re still 60: all this must end. And finally, you need not go on justifying your moment of mad spending with the 101 uses we might not have thought of, I don’t know, like slicing spam in your spokes, using it as a tent pole, etc.. Sir, it is a scooter with pedals, not the world’s greatest gizmo. 
 
I write all this because I miss the comments I used to get from Roberto. I’m lonely you see, and some hate mail from small wheel devotees might just keep me afloat. I refer you to the comments button below 🙂

3 Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    pie cutters

    Yes, here here, small wheel lunacy indead, thank god you’ve mentioned this elephant in the room. Still, fitment into small spaces/cases is compelling; what to do, what to do?
    Bill(behooving fan)

    • Steven says:

      Re: pie cutters

      pie cutters indeed! Small cases: point taken. But small spaces? I feel it behooves not a man’s bicycle to be kept in any room but the largest they own, ideally their living room, leaning in front of the telly. Though I sense we agree.

    • Anonymous says:

      Leaning in front of …

      Forget the telly. Lean it in front of your rear numberplate on a tow-bar hitch. This will defeat the cameras and other plate recognition systems deployed by the secret police to study your automotive comings and goings and tax you for traveling briskly.

Leave a Reply