Bike songs: the worst thing since God Rock

Though you have pushed the uncomfortable memories to the back of your mind, I want you to think back to church youth group. Don’t say you weren’t suckered in too. Those flirty fishing preachers’ kids (PKs) lured everyone to their father’s church a least once. We can forgive them for their chastity before marriage, because at the end of the day, they weren’t really all that demanding.

imagesAll those PKs asked was that we stop listening to Satanic back-masking bands who we were too young to care about anyway, like Led Zeplin, the Eagles and Ozzie Ozborne, and listen instead to good Christian rock-substitutes like Larry Norman or Stryper.


Luckily for my record collection, the back-masking  police never caught up with The Cure or Talking Heads, and the PKs were never around for the orgies and gunga that make up the bulk of the memories from my brief time as a church goer.

When we say youth is wasted on the young, we are referring to a natural proclivity during that stage of life toward finding religion. Where Christianity fulfilled that role in the eighties, today Environmentalism (with a capital E) can be blamed for many a young person’s myopia, and as always, their most vomitous music.

Amy's pagan tree hugging phase

Amy’s pagan tree hugging phase

Religions all have their symbols. Instead of pieces of wire shaped like fishes on neck chains, the preferred symbol of todays youth is the diamond framed bike. Stripping it of brakes and gears, mudguards and racks, helps the bike speak as a symbol. It stands for greenness, holidaying in downtrodden countries, and opposing todays counterpart to yesterday’s heathen: car drivers. Being honked at while riding a bike, is like being taunted while you carry your cross. Can you see how it all fits a pattern?

And just as Christendom provided a soft patch for lamebrain musicians like Amy Grant, people who ride bikes to be morally superior are creating a market for outrageously bad songs such as these:



Bike songs are the worst thing since God Rock. I would rather be forced to sing Fanny Crosby‘s Oeuvre Complete in heaven forever than have some other bike song… What am I saying? Send me any you learn of. I’ll compile them all here for the current youth generation to come back and laugh at when they are my age.


  1. 7homask says:

    and yep you’ve got pr0n in your RSS feed, for this post only so far as i can see. good luck with the mop and bucket

  2. Luke says:

    Let’s not forget this one:

    And for a variety of music vides featuring, but not about, bikes, try

    • Steven says:

      wow, that’s the first time I’ve looked at “I Speak Bike”… some incredible stuff. And “found a bike today” is the nuclear bomb to end many discussions. Oh yes, I have a deterrent!

  3. Jude says:

    Here’s one:
    I’m hoping that by giving it to you it is now out of my life

  4. brent says:

    you may have seen this one already – my personal bike song favourite.

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