About once a year the considerate and apolitical police force here in NSW Australia hold Operation Pedro, where officers are sent onto the street to fine 13 year olds for riding on footpaths, ping conscious objectors to helmet laws, and fine people for riding wide of door-zone bike lanes as well as people riding within the door zone bike lanes, because it’s also an offence to ride “dangerously”. They can pretty much fine you for breathing. Non-cyclists love it and say we all have to play fair, but of course, as any transport cyclist who has stayed alive can attest, you can’t go fifty meters on a bike in Australia without having to choose between your life or the law. It’s the same in most countries.
This plays well for the suicidal among us, and let’s not pretend it’s not an option we haven’t all considered at some time. We’re stopped, of course, by the waste—the sense that something purposeful may be awaiting. But what if suicide, itself, had a purpose?
When I knew operation pedro was on, I spent much of the day on my bike, riding around in the city, obeying every road rule and making lots of right hand turns across traffic (the equivalent of left hand turns if you live in a country where they drive on the right). There’s nothing quite like the feeling of inner calm that comes from sitting in the middle of the road, signalling your intension to turn, knowing drivers are hurtling toward you from behind sending text messages and toying with gadgetry on their dash boards. I imagine it’s like the feeling of calm that many report after near drownings.
I’m not quite ready to pop myself, yet, but appreciate that you may be. Don’t waste the opportunity to die doing something you love, cycling, on the stage that is the city. and for a purpose: to draw attention to the murderous road rules adopted by our state to kill cyclists.
It’s very important when planning your death that you make yourself intimately aware of the road rules. The good news is that, unlike recipes for arsenic that can be hard to find on the web, deadly road rules for cyclists are openly promoted by government and pro-suicidal-cycling groups. I’m especially fond of this guide to getting yourself killed provided by an online bike store, with their emphasis on bright clothes they can sell you to die in.
Less clear are laws regarding hand signals. Since your intension is a righteous and blameless death, my suggestion would be that you learn and use all eleven (12 if you add the Nazi salute for motorists wanting you off of the road.)
And that’s about all there is to it. You should be hit within roughly two months, and struck fatally within your first year. May your last one be swift. If you’re under forty or still raising kids, there are pills that can sustain you for now. Leave legal cycling to those who have lived a full life and want to make a positive contribution in parting.